Madden Predicts: The 2017 NFL Season
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At this moment, the dawning of the 2017 regular season, every fan is wondering just how the next 17 weeks of action (and the playoffs that follow) will pan out. While there are some things that pretty much every sensible observer agrees with (the Patriots will win the AFC East, the Seahawks will win the NFC West, the Jets passing attack will be cringeworthy), there are endless scenarios that can be imagined.
Enter Madden NFL 18 to produce one of them. We simulated the entirety of the 2017 season in Franchise mode, one week at a time. For the sake of full disclosure, the simulation took place with the Seahawks as the ‘user-controlled’ team but with all games simulated and no training undertaken, a community-submitted roster update to reflect moves made since the last official update (such as the Sheldon Richardson trade), CPU teams releasing and signing players but not trading them, and the game difficulty set to All-Pro with no slider adjustments.
Additionally, the simulation is unable to account for the fact that the Buccaneers-Dolphins game scheduled for this weekend has been moved to the teams’ shared Week 11 bye due to the impending arrival of Hurricane Irma. (We wish good fortune to all those at risk of being hit by this historically bad storm.)
With those caveats in mind, let’s run through this electronically generated piece of soothsaying one week at a time and find out what Madden predicts…
Week 1
First things first; Madden predicts a blowout on the opening night, with the Patriots stomping the Chiefs 32-7 behind a four-TD performance from Tom Brady (which seems conceivable) and a 28-carry, 107-yard night for Dion Lewis (which doesn’t).
The Sunday games bring the first sign of evidence that Madden might simply be broken, as Josh McCown throws for 384 yards to help guide the Jets to a 35-20 victory over the Bills, leading 21-0 at halftime. Apparently Buffalo is now in possession of the tank, though a 55-yard touchdown for Jordan Matthews suggests one new acquisition feels otherwise. Arguably even more eye-catching was a 44-43 win for the Cleveland Browns at home to the Pittsburgh Steelers, with DeShone Kizer producing what would be one of the most memorable debuts in NFL history by throwing for 370 yards and three TDs (and also three picks, but who’d be counting?), with Jabrill Peppers joining the fun with a 60-yard punt return TD.
Offensive explosion was the general theme of this week, with the Lions beating the Cardinals 47-23 behind six passing TDs for Matthew Stafford (three of them to Eric Ebron, all from 11 yards or closer), the Falcons returning to 2016 business with a 36-29 win in Chicago, and the Giants-Cowboys primetime game being a 41-32 thriller with four Dak Prescott touchdowns (including a 75-yard TD to Terrance Williams, somehow) and Eli Manning throwing for 448 yards. Even the Jaguars put up 30 points in Houston, although it came at an expensive price with ex-Texan free agent corner A.J. Bouye sustaining a season-ending shoulder injury; similarly, Andy Dalton dislocating his knee would have taken the shine off a season-opening divisional win for the Bengals.
The real game of the week is probably the Seahawks-Packers game at Lambeau, and Madden predicts a 33-26 Hawks win behind a four-TD showing from Russell Wilson, and with no thanks to Blair Walsh missing two out of five PATs. With Doug Baldwin fracturing his forearm and missing several weeks, that too would count as an expensive victory.
Full list of results:
- Chiefs 7-32 Patriots
- Jets 35-20 Bills
- Falcons 36-29 Bears
- Ravens 21-26 Bengals
- Steelers 43-44 Browns
- Cardinals 23-47 Lions
- Jaguars 30-18 Texans
- Buccaneers 28-23 Dolphins
- Raiders 14-28 Titans
- Eagles 20-34 Redskins
- Colts 40-25 Rams
- Seahawks 33-26 Packers
- Panthers 42-13 49ers
- Giants 32-41 Cowboys
- Saints 31-16 Vikings
- Chargers 23-37 Broncos
Week 2
While many real preseason injuries (like that to Ryan Tannehill) have been incorporated, Andrew Luck‘s has not. Hence a 40-point haul against the Rams.
But in the Colts’ home opener, the Madden simulation… gives Luck an early knee injury. In steps Jacoby Brissett to go 21/29 for 336 yards, four touchdowns, and one interception in a 44-33 win over the Cardinals, for whom Carson Palmer had to give way to Blaine Gabbert only for the ex-Jag to take a beating too. Hassan Ridgeway had six sacks. Six.
Imagine the reaction of Bruce Arians to allowing 91 points in two weeks.
The Browns continue to defy credibility with a 25-7 win in Baltimore, DeShone Kizer throwing three touchdowns (one to David Njoku and two to the Seahawks-waived Kasen Williams) and no picks in that one. Speaking of the Seahawks, they managed to only tie 21-21 with the 49ers – Russell Wilson throwing for two picks and no touchdowns, with 12 rushes for 53 yards suggesting he was under siege from the 49ers’ defensive front. That would somehow not be the only tie of the week, though, with the Lions-Giants MNF game finishing tied at 24. Madden clearly doesn’t think Eli’s arm is finished, as he threw for 363 yards and three TDs in this one, whilst all three Lions TDs came on the ground after the Stafford explosion of the opener.
Meanwhile, the Jets rediscovered their armoured tracked vehicle and were hammered by the Raiders, the Falcons made their competitive debut at Mercedes-Benz Stadium 11 days late and beat the Packers 37-24 (that’s the Packers at 0-2, folks – but R-E-L-A-X, their schedule gets easier), Sean McVay showed Washington what they were missing by guiding the Rams to a 42-28 win over his former employers, the Broncos beat the Cowboys but lost C.J. Anderson for the year to a torn Achilles to leave them with the remnants of Jamaal Charles as their lead back, and the Chargers won the first competitive game at the StubHub Center with the help of a 99-yard rushing TD from… Brandon Oliver, who ended up in a full-blown committee with Melvin Gordon in a 25-14 win.
Full list of results:
- Texans 10-27 Bengals
- Browns 25-7 Ravens
- Bills 18-13 Panthers
- Cardinals 33-44 Colts
- Titans 25-23 Jaguars
- Eagles 22-10 Chiefs
- Patriots 32-30 Saints
- Vikings 15-34 Steelers
- Bears 10-34 Buccaneers
- Dolphins 14-25 Chargers
- Jets 12-33 Raiders
- Cowboys 20-22 Broncos
- Redskins 28-42 Rams
- 49ers 21-21 Seahawks
- Packers 24-37 Falcons
- Lions 24-24 Giants
Week 3
The world is in turmoil. Devastating storms have wrecked havoc on the Caribbean and parts of the United States. The threat of a Korean nuclear war seems terrifyingly real. And, more unthinkably yet, the Cleveland Browns are 3-0. Their latest win is a 32-24 defeat of an Indianapolis Colts team for whom Jacoby Brissett went 31/55 for 443 yards, three touchdowns… and four picks. Perhaps that line was partly because the Browns took a 32-13 lead into the fourth quarter after Isaiah Crowell‘s three touchdowns. Either way, the reputation of Madden NFL 18 lies in tatters.
Before that, the Rams and 49ers somehow contrived to produce a 33-27 thriller, the Niners scoring 19 unanswered fourth-quarter points to overturn the 13-point lead the Rams accumulated in the third quarter and make Brian Hoyer the most improbable NFL hero… west of the Great Lakes, let’s be fair. Nobody at this point would be talking about anything other than the Browns.
Aside from maybe the Patriots not being 3-0 themselves, losing 42-28 at home to the Texans. Instant hero status for Deshaun Watson and his 338-yard, three-TD game, and for unheralded Canadian defensive lineman Christian Covington for two sacks on Tom Brady.
The first Wembley game of the year wound up as a 29-21 Jags win over the Ravens, with 16 of those Jags points coming in the second quarter; other notable results included eye-catching bounceback wins for the Vikings and Cardinals (the latter doing unto Dallas what two teams had done unto them, namely putting up over 40 points) and a 35-23 Packers loss at home to the Bengals (with backup QB A.J. McCarron no less!) to leave Green Bay 0-3. Up is down, down is up, the Packers are winless and the Browns are unbeaten.
Full list of results:
- Rams 27-33 49ers
- Ravens 21-29 Jaguars
- Broncos 7-28 Bills
- Saints 13-30 Panthers
- Steelers 33-16 Bears
- Falcons 37-27 Lions
- Browns 32-24 Colts
- Buccaneers 9-36 Vikings
- Texans 42-28 Patriots
- Dolphins 33-10 Jets
- Giants 26-51 Eagles
- Seahawks 20-28 Titans
- Bengals 35-23 Packers
- Chiefs 22-14 Chargers
- Raiders 19-9 Redskins
- Cowboys 16-41 Cardinals
Week 4
Normal service has been approximately resumed. The Packers destroyed the Bears (Aaron Rodgers putting up a 378-yard, four-TD game and Davante Adams putting up a monstrous 9-133-2 receiving line) and the Browns finally lost, against the Bengals. Two 3-0 AFC North teams meet and neither of them are the Steelers? There is some serious damage repair needed to the fabric of NFL reality.
Meanwhile, the second Wembley game was a 29-13 Saints win over the Dolphins, for whom Jay Cutler was injured with what turned out to be a fractured elbow and homecoming hero Jay Ajayi got just eight touches despite Damien Williams turning 13 carries into the grand non-total of 19 yards. Ever got the feeling you’ve been cheated?
The Jets lost 34-19 at home to a Jaguars team fresh off a transatlantic jet, their dreams of Darnold now back on (tank) track. Maybe the big story of the week is elsewhere in the AFC South, though, as the Titans win 21-17 in Houston (in a game of stunningly backloaded scoring – 29 of the 38 points came in the fourth quarter!) to go to 4-0. With three of those four wins being legitimately impressive (Raiders, Seahawks, now a Texans team fresh from a win in Foxboro), there’d surely be some premature talk about the Titans winning it all and Marcus Mariota being MVP.
As if to illustrate how distant that prospect is, Tom Brady puts up six touchdowns in a 40-12 stomping of a Panthers team who actually led 6-0 after one quarter before being disassembled piece by helpless piece. Still, at this point the three 4-0 teams are the Bengals, Titans, and Falcons, while the Bears stand alone at 0-4, albeit with the Giants also winless at 0-3-1.
Full list of results:
- Bears 16-39 Packers
- Saints 29-13 Dolphins
- Bills 7-27 Falcons
- Steelers 20-37 Ravens
- Bengals 24-16 Browns
- Rams 32-33 Cowboys
- Titans 21-17 Texans
- Lions 30-12 Vikings
- Panthers 12-40 Patriots
- Jaguars 34-19 Jets
- 49ers 21-35 Cardinals
- Eagles 40-33 Chargers
- Giants 32-35 Buccaneers
- Raiders 21-12 Broncos
- Colts 21-40 Seahawks
- Redskins 40-19 Chiefs
Week 5
One unbeaten team entered Week 5 knowing their 0 couldn’t go. That’s because the Falcons were on bye after their 4-0 start.
They turned out to be the last one standing, because the Bengals lost at home to the Bills – McCarron unable to outduel Tyrod Taylor in a 34-27 game with four rushing TDs by four different players, including Bills hero LeSean McCoy with 136 yards from scrimmage – and the Titans were edged out 23-21 in Miami. (That’s going to be one emotional game in real life, where – presumably, hopefully, cosmic forces willing – it will be the Dolphins’ home opener.)
The Eagles kept their impressive start going with an overtime win over the Cardinals to go 4-1; LeGarrette Blount, somehow the dominant rusher of the 2017 season so far (in real life, it’s not even clear he’s the leading rusher on his own team right now), ploughs through the Arizona D to the tune of 161 yards and two touchdowns, while Brandon Graham racked up his third game of the still-young season with 2.5 sacks. The Seahawks also need OT to beat the Rams, and there were also no fewer than three one-point wins. In one of them, Blake Bortles – one of the leaders in passing yardage through four games but somehow with just one TD to show for it – made up for lost time with four TD passes to guide the Jaguars to a 30-29 win in Pittsburgh to put his team 4-1 while the Steelers are pushed to 2-3 and lucky that the Packers – 33-28 losers in Dallas – are there at 1-4 to make them look better.
Most of the “fire Tomlin” arguments from the Steeler faithful have some variation of “we’re two games behind the <insert expletive here> Browns!” thrown in. The Browns beat the Jets 28-20 to go 4-1. Incredibly, the team purpose-built to be the worst in professional football are not even the worst team in their own stadium, as the Giants are annihilated 41-12 at home to the Chargers to go 0-4-1; the Bears’ MNF win over the Vikings leaves the Giants as the last winless team in the NFL. A petition to rename the Meadowlands the MetDeath Stadium goes viral.
Full list of results:
- Patriots 27-19 Buccaneers
- Bills 34-27 Bengals
- Jets 20-28 Browns
- Panthers 27-12 Lions
- 49ers 14-22 Colts
- Titans 21-23 Dolphins
- Chargers 41-12 Giants
- Cardinals 33-39 Eagles
- Jaguars 30-29 Steelers
- Ravens 17-18 Raiders
- Packers 28-33 Cowboys
- Chiefs 27-26 Texans
- Vikings 20-32 Bears
Week 6
NFL parity is apparently stronger than we thought. Just six weeks into the season, everyone has a win and everyone has a loss.
The Falcons lost the last perfect record in the NFL in startling fashion, the Dolphins coming to Mercedes-Benz Stadium and winning 37-19 with 21 fourth-quarter points. Remember, they did this with Matt Moore at QB. They also lost Jay Ajayi to an upper arm fracture.
The Giants, meanwhile, lost their winless streak with a 22-17 win in Denver thanks to a third-quarter explosion of 13 unanswered points. The Patriots beat the Jets 39-14 in the MetDeath Stadium Road Robbery of the Week, with Dion Lewis, James White, and Mike Gillislee all scoring rushing TDs to ensure that Belichick Backfield Fantasy Bingo had plenty of winners.
The Eagles ticked another title contender box with a stunning performance on the road in primetime, beating the Panthers 46-17 in a classic TNF blowout in which Carson Wentz put up a passer rating in the 140s with a 330-yard, three-TD, zero-INT performance and LeGarrette Blount put up 133 yards and a TD from 30 carries. Blount remained on pace to break Eric Dickerson‘s season record for rushing yards. Surely, surely that couldn’t last?
Oh, and the Steelers and Packers still have three wins between them. Pittsburgh lost agonisingly in Kansas City, but Green Bay were humiliated 37-13 in Minnesota to go 1-5. Imagine the noise at US Bank Stadium after that. “Aaron Rodgers is a 13-37 quarterback” becomes the meme of the season.
At least the Browns reverted to reality by receiving a 25-point hammering in Houston.
Full list of results:
- Eagles 46-17 Panthers
- Dolphins 37-19 Falcons
- Bears 24-26 Ravens
- Browns 7-32 Texans
- Packers 13-37 Vikings
- Lions 23-19 Saints
- Patriots 39-14 Jets
- 49ers 16-23 Redskins
- Buccaneers 30-16 Cardinals
- Rams 40-37 Jaguars
- Steelers 34-35 Chiefs
- Chargers 25-13 Raiders
- Giants 22-17 Broncos
- Colts 12-31 Titans
Week 7
Things keep getting worse for Green Bay. This time it’s a 33-26 loss to the Saints. Aaron Rodgers threw for 355 yards, three touchdowns, and no picks – but it wasn’t enough.
Their 2016 NFC Championship conquerors, though, gained the sweetest victory of what could be another sensational season, a Super Bowl revenge win 37-25 in Foxboro in another instant classic between the two. The Falcons jumped out to a 10-0 lead in the first quarter before a frantic second quarter with 29 points between the two teams, leaving the Falcons with a 24-15 lead at the interval; a Patriots TD was the only scoring of the third quarter, but the Falcons put together a great finish eight and a half months too late to win 37-25. Tom Brady threw two interceptions and only one TD; Matt Ryan, meanwhile, threw three TDs, two of them to Austin Hooper. James White did lead the Patriots in rushing, but didn’t have a catch. He used those up in Houston already.
Ordinarily, the Jets-Dolphins game on that same weekend would have been an afterthought. But after the Cutler injury, Miami signed Colin Kaepernick to back up Matt Moore, and this week, CK7 ended up playing most of the snaps. While pundits exchanged endlessly refried hot takes, CK7 guided the Dolphins to a win.
Meanwhile, the Titans put up the biggest beating of the season on the Cleveland Browns, taking a 34-3 lead into the locker room before easing off in the second half for a 47-6 win. Mysteriously, Marcus Mariota still took every snap, not that his fantasy owners could complain as he put up five touchdowns. The other team lighting up the league with their young QB – the Eagles – made it six wins on the spin with a 34-16 MNF home win that came despite rather than because of Carson Wentz (who threw for only 153 yards with a sole TD and a pick). Yes, it was the Blount show again, as he scored two TDs. He “only” put up 103 yards, meaning he was no longer on track to break the Eric Dickerson season record for rushing yards. He did, however, have over 300 yards more on the ground than any other player in the NFL. After seven weeks. Mind-blowing.
Going under the radar thanks to not even leading their own division, the Jaguars somehow managed to go 5-2, their latest win a 36-17 win in Indianapolis with Blake Bortles throwing for 319 yards with three touchdowns and no picks while Jacoby Brissett threw a pick-six to Myles Jack. What a story this team is turning into.
Full list of results:
- Chiefs 13-23 Raiders
- Buccaneers 20-29 Bills
- Panthers 30-19 Bears
- Titans 47-6 Browns
- Saints 33-26 Packers
- Jaguars 36-17 Colts
- Cardinals 10-18 Rams
- Jets 21-27 Dolphins
- Ravens 17-20 Vikings
- Bengals 17-21 Steelers
- Broncos 14-46 Chargers
- Seahawks 15-22 Giants
- Falcons 37-25 Patriots
- Redskins 16-34 Eagles
Week 8
Dare we say the Patriots are looking… mortal? They were pushed all the way by the Chargers before squeaking through 37-36. At least they’re not the Packers, who were spared another loss this week.
They were on bye.
In front of a Twickenham crowd who rallied behind what British newspapers were quick to sell as a lovable underdog story, the Browns bounced back from two humiliating defeats in succession to beat the Vikings 17-13 to take them to the midpoint of their season at an unfathomable 5-3. There was another heartwarming story, as Teddy Bridgewater made his return to the NFL after last September’s career-threatening injury. Unfortunately, it came because Sam Bradford dislocated his elbow. This is your reminder that the Vikings made a desperation trade to fill the void left by a brutal knee injury with someone on his third left ACL.
The Cowboys were annihilated in Washington, with the home side scoring 26 unanswered fourth-quarter points in a 53-14 win where Kirk Cousins threw for almost 400 yards and four TDs before producing another endlessly-sharable celebration on his way to the locker room. The two teams entered the game at 3-3, but they certainly looked poles apart at FedEx Field.
Meanwhile, the SNF game saw the Steelers defeat the Lions to move to 4-4 and reduce the temperature of Mike Tomlin‘s seat to “inexplicably cool,” while the Eagles beat the hapless 49ers 31-9 to go 7-1. It was an underwhelming performance for LeGarrette Blount, as he only rushed for 111 yards and one touchdown. Matt Moore was back in action for the Dolphins, who lost in Baltimore.
Full list of results:
- Dolphins 15-16 Ravens
- Vikings 13-17 Browns
- Raiders 45-13 Bills
- Colts 28-37 Bengals
- Chargers 36-37 Patriots
- Bears 23-28 Saints
- Falcons 42-13 Jets
- 49ers 9-31 Eagles
- Panthers 15-25 Buccaneers
- Texans 26-39 Seahawks
- Cowboys 14-53 Redskins
- Steelers 35-23 Lions
- Broncos 10-27 Chiefs
Week 9
Riding a wave of confidence from that Cowboy curbstomping, the team representing Washington, D.C. went to Washington. Specifically, to CenturyLink Field, where they pulled off a 27-19 upset that put them in prime position to take a Wild Card berth at 5-3.
The Eagles, meanwhile, just kept on keeping on, annihilating the Broncos 40-7 to extend the Eagles’ winning streak to eight and the Broncos’ losing streak to six. Blount had a terrible day, though, as he rushed for just 87 yards and no touchdowns. Instead, Carson Wentz threw for four scores and the defense sacked Trevor Siemian five times whilst holding him to just 95 yards. Brandon Graham was credited with no fewer than 3.5 sacks, taking his 2017 total after nine games to an unfathomable 16 sacks – approximately his combined total from the last three seasons, which happened to be his best three seasons in terms of total sacks. The notorious Michael Strahan single-season sack record had its days well and truly numbered.
This week offered two separate MetDeath Stadium Road Robbery of the Week opportunities, thanks to a TNF home game for the Jets. They picked up a crucial 28-20 loss to the Bills to go 1-8 and “avenge” their season-opening visit to Buffalo, where they scored more points than the AFC East’s other armoured vehicle enthusiasts. (Although the Bills here have actually done quite well. Past tense deliberate; LeSean McCoy broke his hand in that game and will miss most of the rest of the season.) The Rams took advantage of the second, winning 29-19 over the Giants thanks in part to Aaron Donald destroying Big Blue’s big boo-boos on the O-line en route to three sacks.
The Jaguars appear to have gone past “unlikely fairytale” and into “legitimate contender”. Despite the Bengals now having Andy Dalton back, they were humbled 30-6 at EverBank Field, and it was arguably not even that close, as the Jags took a 21-0 lead into the locker room at halftime and the Bengals only scored in the fourth quarter (with a touchdown that led to a failed two-point conversion). Dalton took four sacks and threw two picks against the Jags D, Leonard Fournette picked up two touchdowns on the ground and gobbled up the clock with 27 carries, and the Jaguars moved to an unfathomable 6-2, though still trailing the Titans after their 28-13 win over the Ravens. Jaguars merchandise becomes almost half as popular as Raiders merchandise in the UK.
Speaking of the Raiders, they were 6-2 themselves going into a Sunday night game in Miami. Then they suffered the ignominy of the first shutout of the season, their offense evaporating into dust live on national TV as the Dolphins won 19-0. Derek Carr finished 7/14 for 68 yards. That is not because he was injured; he played every snap. The Raiders moved the sticks four times in the entire “contest.” Despite this, they were still a game ahead of the Chiefs in the AFC West, with the Chargers tucked behind at 4-4.
Meanwhile, the Packers won 31-13 at Lambeau against the Lions. That put them right back in the race for the NFC North at 2-6.
This is not an exaggeration. The Lions moved to 3-4-1 with that loss, while the Vikings and Bears had bye weeks and remained at 3-5 and 1-7 respectively.
Full list of results:
- Bills 28-20 Jets
- Falcons 46-14 Panthers
- Colts 21-31 Texans
- Bengals 6-30 Jaguars
- Buccaneers 44-13 Saints
- Rams 29-19 Giants
- Broncos 7-40 Eagles
- Ravens 13-28 Titans
- Cardinals 24-20 49ers
- Redskins 27-19 Seahawks
- Chiefs 27-26 Cowboys
- Raiders 0-19 Dolphins
- Lions 13-31 Packers
Week 10
This is the week where this simulation goes several steps (further) away from anything that could even be plausibly imagined. It began, as NFL weeks usually do now, on Thursday.
Last year, the Seahawks and Cardinals met in primetime in Arizona and produced a tie. This year… they met in primetime in Arizona and produced a tie, 27-27, the visitors blowing a 14-0 first-quarter lead. The Seahawks move to 4-3-2, becoming the first team in the overtime era with two ties in a season. The game was also the first tie ever on Thursday Night Football.
The Packers lost 21-14 in Chicago to leave the two teams tied adrift the NFC North at 2-7 while the Lions moved to quasi-respectable leadership position at 4-4-1 by beating Cleveland. Aaron Rodgers caved in, throwing four picks to the disbelief of the joyous home fans at Soldier Field. Who would have thought the Packers might be reduced to armoured vehicle enthusiasm?!?
There was a barnstormer in Buffalo. Despite the absence of Shady, the Bills piled on the points, with return specialist Taiwan Jones stepping up to an improbable lead back role with two touchdowns and Tyrod Taylor throwing for three more. Unfortunately, the opponents were the New Orleans Saints, and while the game was in Buffalo, Drew Brees suddenly didn’t mind the cold outdoors, throwing for 308 yards and four touchdowns to guide the Saints to a 43-41 victory. You can take the Saints out of the Superdome…
The Broncos ended their losing streak in mind-blowing fashion with a 30-29 win over the Patriots, despite Tom Brady throwing for over 350 yards. The Jets contrived to win in Tampa Bay, Bryce Petty throwing for almost 300 yards and three touchdowns, and have put their #1 pick in serious jeopardy of being lost to (erm) the Packers. The Giants, not to be outdone, obliterated the 49ers 39-0 on their own turf. The home team, between the “dynamic” duo of Brian Hoyer and C.J. Beathard, completed five passes for 22 yards to their own players, and two passes for 22 yards to Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. The two QBs actually ran for more yards than they threw… with six combined carries for 23 yards. The mind doth boggle.
Then there was the Rams putting 47 points on the Texans, the Jaguars turning to free agent acquisition Robert Griffin III for one play in a loss to the Chargers where the teams combined for four interceptions and three missed PATs, the improbably important clash between the Bengals and Titans ending 41-32 to the visiting Bengals, the Dolphins scoring 19 points and winning on national television for the second week in a row, said Dolphins ending up bringing on Colin Kaepernick again after Matt Moore was hurt after taking his fourth sack…
Full list of results
- Seahawks 27-27 Cardinals
- Saints 43-41 Bills
- Packers 14-21 Bears
- Browns 17-31 Lions
- Steelers 30-28 Colts
- Chargers 23-19 Jaguars
- Jets 30-27 Buccaneers
- Bengals 41-32 Titans
- Vikings 21-23 Redskins
- Texans 6-47 Rams
- Cowboys 23-37 Falcons
- Giants 39-0 49ers
- Patriots 29-30 Broncos
- Dolphins 19-16 Panthers
Week 11
A reminder, again, that this simulation played the Bucs-Dolphins game in its originally scheduled spot, when in reality it will be moved to this week.
The theme of this week is the number 5. Five separate games ended with five-point winning margins, which is just surreal. The weirdness involved was pretty much summed up by the Bengals’ way of getting to 18 points; it came from three touchdowns. The team managed to pull off the triple crown of methods to come away with only six from a touchdown; blocked PAT, missed PAT, failed two-point conversion. That allowed Devontae Booker – leading the Broncos’ backfield after both C.J. Anderson and Jamaal Charles had season-ending injuries (who do you think you are, the Chargers?!?) – to guide the Broncos to victory with three TDs.
There was similar kicking fail from the Texans, Nick Novak going 1/3 on field goals and missing a PAT as the Texans laboured to a 15-10 home win over the Cardinals. More conventionally exciting was the Jaguars-Browns game, where the improbable 2017 heroes traded passing touchdowns (three each, with RG3 scoring one of them for the Jags) in a game that finished 31-26. That win put the Jags at 7-3. You did not misread that record. It still wasn’t enough to put them top of the AFC South, though, as the Titans thumped the Steelers 36-14 at Heinz Field to move to 8-2, Derrick Henry scoring three touchdowns on the ground and a fourth on a 12-yard reception.
The Bills-Chargers game was 6-0 after the first quarter with a touchdown/missed PAT combo, and the next score did not come until the fourth. The game made up for lost time, though, as the Chargers electrified the undersized crowd with three touchdowns in the final stanza in a 20-15 win. One of them was scored by Keenan Allen, which adds to the strangeness simply by way of him being involved in late-season football without being on IR yet.
Not half as strange as the concept of a 2-8 Packers, but that is what has come to pass here, with a humiliating 27-9 loss at Lambeau to a Ravens team who gave 12 carries for 35 yards to tight end Nick Boyle and restricted the Packers to just 16:36 of time in possession. The NFC North is ludicrously wide open – especially with Matthew Stafford being injured in a 20-12 Lions win over the Bears with what would turn out to be a ruptured disk – but surely not that wide open as to allow a 2-8 team to come back.
Back to those five-point games, and the Seahawks won a big one of those against the Falcons 22-17 in a game where both defensive units impressed, allowing only 351 yards and two TDs between them when you might have expected one of these two QBs to be capable of managing that by himself.
Five was also the key number in the Eagles’ trip to Jerryworld coming off their Week 10 bye. This time, though, it was the number of interceptions Dak Prescott threw in a 35-17 loss to what has become an absurdly dominant Philly team. LeGarrette Blount rushed for 100 yards and three TDs, while Carson Wentz scored with both his arm and his legs. Brandon Graham added two more sacks, taking his total to 18 in 10 games.
The Patriots cruised past the Raiders 42-23, but even that only took them to a Jaguars-matching 7-3 (no, that statement still makes no sense), and put the Chargers and Raiders into a tie at 6-4 atop the messy AFC West, where every team was within a game of .500.
Full list of results
- Titans 36-14 Steelers
- Lions 20-12 Bears
- Ravens 27-9 Packers
- Jaguars 31-26 Browns
- Cardinals 10-15 Texans
- Rams 20-33 Vikings
- Redskins 22-25 Saints
- Chiefs 10-24 Giants
- Bills 15-20 Chargers
- Bengals 18-23 Broncos
- Patriots 42-23 Raiders
- Eagles 35-17 Cowboys
- Falcons 17-22 Seahawks
Week 12
Thanksgiving football saw three road teams gobble up the Ws, with the Chargers standing out by destroying the Cowboys in their own building – Philip Rivers throwing for four scores and Melvin Gordon rushing for two more.
With the Broncos winning in Oakland – a third straight win for Denver and a third straight loss for the Raiders – the Bolts finished the weekend atop the AFC West, and while all four teams could still win it, Denver’s chances took a big hit when Trevor Siemian broke his hand.
In a game scheduled for Sunday night but highly vulnerable to being flexed out in this scenario, the Packers went to Pittsburgh, took a 23-7 lead into the final quarter, and held on to win 26-20. With the Bengals beating the Browns in the really significant AFC North game of the weekend – a Browns win would have put them level with the Bengals at 6-6, now they’re two games behind a team that own the tiebreaker over them.
The Jets took advantage of the Packers win by handing the Panthers the MetDeath Stadium Road Robbery of the Week, while the Bears went to Philly and inexplicably took a 10-9 lead over the apparently-complacent Eagles, who ended up squeaking through 18-16. Brandon Graham added 1.5 sacks, putting him three short of the season record of 22.5. With five games to go.
One game that did end up being a comic mismatch was the Seahawks-49ers meeting in Santa Clara, which served to confirm how far this rivalry has dissolved so soon after it had emerged as one of the most thrilling and consequential in all of professional sport. Russell Wilson threw for five touchdowns as the Seahawks handed their hosts a 46-0 shellacking.
The Niners had a bye to recover from losing 39-0 at home to the Giants… only to “top” even that a fortnight later. Still, Brian Hoyer did improve, as he managed to throw for 90 yards and no interceptions, which was enough to stay on the field for 60 minutes. However, with no help from the ground game, the 49ers miraculously managed to pick up only three first downs all game.
While the Packers and Steelers inspected the ruins of their 2017 campaigns, the improbable battle for the AFC South continued apace. Marcus Mariota comfortably leads all full-time starting QBs in YPA, and threw four of the Titans’ seven TDs as they thumped the Colts 46-18 in their own building – including a 25-point salvo in the final quarter. The Jaguars responded immediately afterwards with a 39-20 win in Arizona where Blake Bortles threw five touchdowns and no picks, just another unfathomable moment in an unfathomable season. (For his part, Deshaun Watson would put up a five-TD showing of his own in a 48-25 Texans MNF win in Baltimore that wasn’t as close as that sounds, as the team led 28-6 at the half.)
The Patriots moved clear atop the AFC East with a 24-22 win over the Dolphins, providing NFL fans everywhere with something to cling to in this upside-down sporting world. Colin Kaepernick made another start.
Full list of results
- Vikings 35-26 Lions
- Chargers 41-19 Cowboys
- Giants 27-16 Redskins
- Buccaneers 20-25 Falcons
- Browns 13-18 Bengals
- Titans 46-18 Colts
- Bills 32-20 Chiefs
- Dolphins 22-24 Patriots
- Panthers 36-15 Jets
- Bears 16-18 Eagles
- Saints 20-19 Rams
- Seahawks 46-0 49ers
- Jaguars 39-20 Cardinals
- Broncos 22-19 Raiders
- Packers 26-20 Steelers
- Texans 48-25 Ravens
Week 13
A year where Blake Bortles has inexplicably transmogrified into an elite quarterback reached its logical conclusion when he put up a 133.7 passer rating in a 444-yard, three-TD showcase against the Colts, who had Andrew Luck playing but in no position to stop the NFL’s unlikeliest juggernaut in an absurd 54-33 shootout. The Jaguars, who scored at least 14 points in each of the first three quarters, moved to 9-3, where they joined the Titans after the other AFC South battle of the weekend ended in a 29-26 Texans win in Nashville.
The Giants’ emergence from tanking contender to playoff contender – we’ve seen this movie before in recent years and it usually ends with a ring – continued apace as they caught the Raiders on their way down, taking the OT win 40-34 in Oakland with Eli Manning throwing for 421 yards and four TDs to four different receivers. Sterling Shepard led the way with a 9-138-1 line, though Cordarrelle Patterson managed to do a scary impersonation of an actual WR by catching nine balls for 174 yards and a score whilst still returning kicks and punts.
The Giants would have to get through the Falcons and Eagles to complete the hat-trick of improbable Eli rings, though. The former marked their cards with a 40-12 stomping of the Vikings, while the latter overturned an early deficit and put up 19 fourth-quarter points in a 33-17 win in Seattle that locks up a first-round bye with four games remaining (!) and has to go down as a signature win for them. Brandon Graham moved up to 20.5 sacks in 12 games.
The Bears picked up a Pyrrhic victory over the 49ers at Soldier Field; with the visitors’ 24-19 loss moving them ahead of their hosts in the draft order. The Jets have control of their own destiny, and took one step closer to the #1 pick when they conceded 46 points to a Chiefs team who somehow allowed 31 points themselves , even though Bryce Petty threw one touchdown and three picks. The Chiefs also lost Alex Smith to a fractured forearm, forcing Patrick Mahomes II to come in, ready or not. There was also normal service at the other end of the AFC East, where the Patriots won 35-29 in Buffalo – though they needed OT to do it after a frenetic fourth quarter that started 13-12 New England before the teams exchanged 33 points to end regulation.
While the Cowboys’ season has gone up in flames, they at least managed to put a rival in trouble too, denting Washington’s wild card bid with a 33-14 home win on the now-traditional post-Thanksgiving TNF Cowboys contest. The Buccaneers failed to take advantage of the opportunity, losing to the Packers at Lambeau in a result that wouldn’t have been so disappointing three months earlier. Adding injury to insult, Doug Martin dislocated his ankle, though apparently even a QB injury was no barrier to the Lions as Jake Rudock threw for 342 yards and four TDs in a stunning road win in Baltimore that gives the Lions one hand on the NFC North.
Full list of results:
- Redskins 14-33 Cowboys
- Vikings 12-40 Falcons
- Lions 45-20 Ravens
- Patriots 35-29 Bills
- 49ers 19-24 Bears
- Buccaneers 26-29 Packers
- Colts 33-54 Jaguars
- Broncos 19-22 Dolphins
- Panthers 23-36 Saints
- Chiefs 46-31 Jets
- Texans 29-26 Titans
- Browns 13-34 Chargers
- Rams 21-27 Cardinals
- Giants 40-34 Raiders
- Eagles 33-17 Seahawks
- Steelers 36-19 Bengals
Week 14
The seemingly unreal Eagles winning streak is finally over at 11. The Rams pulled off a colossal upset in the Coliseum, winning 23-13 with three touchdowns from Jared Goff. He was only sacked once, a combo sack from Mychal Kendricks and (you guessed it) Brandon Graham. He’s now on 21 in 13 games. The Falcons now hold the joint-best record in football at 11-2 after beating the Saints 34-24, with all seven touchdowns coming through the air but Devonta Freeman making an impact with 23 carries for 105 yards.
The 49ers, not content with being blanked at home, decided to change it up a bit and get blanked somewhere else. The Texans became the third (!) team to keep a shutout against them this season with a 25-0 win in Houston. This time it was C.J. Beathard who drowned for 60 minutes, arguably plumbing the lowest depths of any Niners shutout (and that is saying something) by going 6/26 for 43 yards and two interceptions. He took six sacks, or one for every completion. They remain a half-game behind the Jets in the Divebomb for Darnold, thanks to Denver’s 27-25 win over Gang Green.
The Lions made the NFC North a bit more interesting/painful, as the Jake Rudock Cinderella story turned into a pumpkin against Tampa Bay. He threw for 198 yards and a pick as the Bucs won 19-12 at home. The Lions now stand at 6-6-1, with the Vikings and Packers still holding faint hope of catching them at 5-8.
Aaron Rodgers threw for 359 yards and five touchdowns against the fast-collapsing Browns in a 44-22 win that wasn’t even that close (28-7 at the half and 41-10 after three quarters) as the two teams finally started playing like their usual selves, while the Vikings blew an opening with a 28-6 loss in Charlotte, and the Bears kept their strictly theoretical hopes alive with a shock road win over the Bengals, who missed an opportunity to all but put away the AFC North after the Steelers lost to the Ravens.
They still led it at 7-6, but the 6-7 Steelers – who own the tiebreaker over Cincy – are well in it yet.
The AFC South overachievement subsided. The Jaguars lost at home to the Seahawks, who pretty much have the NFC West won now, while the Titans lost for the second week in a row, the Cards prevailing 20-17 in OT and left to curse Ryan Succop missing two long field goals. That game was notable for featuring zero passing touchdowns. The Texans have suddenly moved to within two games of each at 7-6, though realistically they’re in a fight for the second wild card spot along with a cluster of 7-6 and 6-7 teams.
Amongst those are the Chiefs and Raiders, who came into their meeting in Kansas City 6-6; the home team came away with the win to extend Oakland’s losing streak to five, as apparently the Warriors stole the city’s win supply once the NBA season began. 6-2 at one point, they’re now bottom of the AFC West.
Further normality: the Patriots put up a 26-point monstrosity of a fourth quarter against the Dolphins – for whom Jay Cutler was back in action and promptly wished he wasn’t with a classic four-interception Cutler meltdown – to clinch the AFC East with three weeks to spare, as they are three clear of the Dolphins with three games left and own the tiebreaker.
Full list of results:
- Saints 24-34 Falcons
- Colts 31-28 Bills
- Vikings 6-28 Panthers
- Bears 28-23 Bengals
- Packers 44-22 Browns
- 49ers 0-25 Texans
- Seahawks 26-19 Jaguars
- Raiders 16-28 Chiefs
- Lions 12-19 Buccaneers
- Titans 17-20 Cardinals
- Jets 25-27 Broncos
- Redskins 13-38 Chargers
- Eagles 13-23 Rams
- Cowboys 26-18 Giants
- Ravens 23-21 Steelers
- Patriots 40-16 Dolphins
Week 15
The NFC North continues to dissolve into chaos. The Lions lose 13-10 at home to the Bears in one of the two Saturday games of this first weekend after the collegiate regular season, and everyone is talking about how the Packers could pull off the impossible and make the playoffs after a 2-8 start.
Then Cam Newton rushes for 81 yards and two touchdowns as the Panthers run riot from beginning to end, taking a 13-0 lead in the first quarter and not letting up as they defeated their Green Bay visitors 43-18. Over in Minneapolis – either at the same time or later depending on flex scheduling arrangements (a Cowboys SNF game against a playoff-relevant opponent in the Raiders would have been sacrosanct to NBC) – the Bengals came away with a 33-25 win over the Vikings, for whom Sam Bradford sustained a broken thumb and Danielle Hunter a dislocated ankle.
The Lions are now one win away from clinching the NFC North. They are 6-7-1. The Titans and Jaguars both moved to 10-4 and put up 47 points each in the process, the Jags’ achievement the more impressive for being against the Texans in a 47-35 shootout where they trailed 29-21 at the end of the first half. Blake Bortles and DeShaun Watson combined for 857 passing yards and six touchdowns – plus three interceptions, just to add to the arcade-like fun of this one – while Leonard Fournette and Chris Ivory punched in two touchdowns each on the ground as the Jaguars all but clinched their first playoff appearance in a decade and only their third this century.
It wasn’t even the most outrageous shootout of the day, though. Enter Patriots-Steelers. As ever, Tom Brady destroyed Pittsburgh’s zone defense, throwing for 330 yards and five TDs with one pick. But Ben Roethlisberger didn’t just keep up, he outpaced him through three quarters, ending up with a 450-yard total and three scores. The two teams went into the locker room with Pittsburgh leading 32-28 at the end of a brain-boggling first half, a lead they extended with a touchdown in a slower third quarter with no other scoring. Never rule out Touchdown Tom to overturn a double-digit fourth-quarter deficit, though.
He’s done it in two Super Bowls, and he did it again here to keep the Pats on course for home advantage throughout the playoffs and essentially clinch the AFC North for the Bengals. As it stands, the winner of the AFC South will get a first-round bye – thanks to the Chargers losing in Kansas City – and the runner-up will get the Bengals. So, in other words, a first-round bye.
The Eagles haven’t so much taken their foot off the gas as slammed into reverse gear. They lost 39-15 to the Giants, with 12 of those 15 points coming in garbage time after they’d allowed 33 unanswered points in the second and third quarters, and Zach Ertz will miss the next few weeks with a broken thumb.
Eli Manning somehow only threw for one touchdown, as Paul Perkins took half of his fantasy owners into their championship games with a TD hat-trick. However, Brandon Graham recorded 2.5 sacks and now owns the all-time NFL sack record for a single season with 23.5. He has two games left.
The Dolphins won a key divisional match 33-10 in Buffalo to keep their playoff dreams firmly on track, Jay Cutler throwing for four TDs, while the Falcons faded a bit as the Bucs kept their stealth playoff run firmly on track with a 33-27 MNF win in Tampa. With no Doug Martin or DeSean Jackson due to injury, O.J. Howard had a breakout game with four catches for 78 yards, including two of his team’s four passing touchdowns. As it stands, both wild card spots in the NFC are going to the South, with the Bucs at 8-6 and the Saints moving to 9-5 with a win over the East Rutherford Armoured Vehicle Enthusiasts.
Also of note; while the Seahawks clinched the NFC West with a win over the Rams, it came at a brutal cost. Bobby Wagner tore his ACL and will miss the rest of the season.
Full list of results:
- Broncos 23-22 Colts
- Bears 13-10 Lions
- Chargers 19-31 Chiefs
- Dolphins 33-10 Bills
- Packers 18-43 Panthers
- Ravens 38-28 Browns
- Texans 35-47 Jaguars
- Bengals 33-25 Vikings
- Jets 35-39 Saints
- Eagles 15-39 Giants
- Cardinals 7-17 Redskins
- Rams 23-28 Seahawks
- Patriots 46-45 Steelers
- Titans 47-16 49ers
- Cowboys 30-19 Raiders
- Falcons 27-33 Buccaneers
Week 16
The Christmas weekend fixtures began on Saturday with the Colts’ humiliation continuing in Baltimore and the Packers and Vikings squaring off at Lambeau in an improbable clash of two 5-9 teams still fighting for the playoffs. The Packers prevailed 25-19 in overtime, the Vikings left to rue Kai Forbath missing two PATs while Mason Crosby nailed four field goals, one of them from 56 yards. The true significance of that game would become clear on Christmas Eve, as the Lions were thumped 36-13 in Cincinnati to give the Bengals a lock on the AFC North. The Packers-Lions game in Week 17 at Ford Field suddenly became a decisive clash between a 6-8-1 team and a 6-9 team to become the third team with a losing record to make the playoffs. Book your tickets to Detroit, Al and Cris…
The Chargers clinched a playoff spot with a 45-13 destruction of the East Rutherford Army Vehicle Enthusiasts (for whom Josh McCown was honourably discharged with broken ribs), while the 49ers continued their slightly excessive devotion to the tank with the single worst defeat of the NFL season, losing 53-0. At home. To the Jaguars (for whom this extended their perfect road record to 7-0 and guaranteed a playoff spot, to be fair). C.J. Nothardtobeat was 9/25 for 77 yards and three picks, while Blake Bortles was 28/35 for 361 yards and four TDs. The best you could say about the Niners was that they at least managed six first downs this time. The Titans eked past the Rams 30-29 to set up a Week 17 contest with the Jags for the divisional title and a first-round bye.
Also locked into the playoffs are the New Orleans Saints, clinching at least a wild card berth with a 36-35 thriller over the Falcons in the Superdome. Drew Brees threw for 339 yards and four TDs – two to each of Coby Fleener and Ted Ginn Jr. as Michael Thomas (3-24) was evidently schemed out of the game – in a wild ride with three missed PATs and a furious Saints comeback from 29-16 down after three quarters. Falcons fans get painful flashbacks.
The Bucs would have also clinched a playoff spot with a win over the Panthers, but instead they took a blowout loss that leaves the race for the final NFC berth an absolute mess. In the AFC wild card race, the Chiefs-Dolphins game was a de facto playoff eliminator; both teams entered at 8-6, the winner would hold the tiebreaker, and the Broncos’ loss in Washington meant only the Texans could make it to 9-7. The Chiefs prevailed 33-25 and then watched as the Steelers won 34-29 in Houston to eliminate the Texans.
Full list of results:
- Colts 10-28 Ravens
- Vikings 19-25 Packers
- Buccaneers 3-32 Panthers
- Browns 26-15 Bears
- Lions 13-36 Bengals
- Dolphins 25-33 Chiefs
- Bills 23-46 Patriots
- Falcons 35-36 Saints
- Broncos 16-24 Redskins
- Chargers 45-13 Jets
- Rams 29-30 Titans
- Jaguars 53-0 49ers
- Giants 34-6 Cardinals
- Seahawks 23-6 Cowboys
- Steelers 34-29 Texans
- Raiders 29-21 Eagles
A summary of the playoff picture going into Week 17. First, the AFC:
- The Patriots have clinched a first-round bye, and a Week 17 win over the Jets in Foxboro would lock up the #1 seed for the hosts (and the #1 pick for the visitors). The winner of the Jaguars-Titans clash clinches the AFC South and presumably the #2 seed, with the loser getting the #5 seed; a tie breaks for the Titans (both teams are 11-4, the Titans beat the Jaguars in Jacksonville).
- The Chargers clinch the AFC West and the #3 seed with a win over the Raiders. If they lose and the Chiefs beat the Broncos, the Chiefs win the division on head-to-head record. Whichever of the Chiefs and Chargers do not win the division will be the #6 seed.
- The Bengals have won the AFC North. They will be the #4 seed unless they beat the Ravens and the Chargers lose their game; a tiebreaker with the Chargers or Chiefs would determine the #3 and #4 seed in that scenario.
Over in the NFC:
- Easy bit first: the Packers-Lions game is a win-and-in game for the NFC North and the #4 seed. A tie gives the spot to the Lions.
- The Seahawks will have the #3 seed unless they beat the Cardinals and both the Eagles and Falcons lose their respective games. That would spark a complex tiebreak procedure to determine the order of the top three seeds, who wouldn’t be separated on either head-to-head or conference records (all teams involved in such a tiebreak would be 8-4 in the NFC except for the Seahawks, who would be 7-3-2).
- The Falcons and Eagles can both guarantee a first-round bye with a win or tie. If one betters the result of the other, that team will have the #1 seed. If not, other tiebreakers will kick in (including with the Seahawks if both teams lose and the Seahawks win).
- However, if the Falcons lose and the Saints win, the Saints and Falcons would have to be split by complex tiebreakers too. Regardless, whichever of these two teams does not win the NFC South will be the #5 seed.
- The Giants clinch the #6 seed with a win over the Redskins. A Redskins win will give them the #6 seed if both the Buccaneers and Panthers lose; either of these teams winning would put them in a tiebreaker with the Redskins. If the Giants-Redskins game is a tie, the above tiebreaker scenario plays out with the Giants instead. Whew.
Week 17
Let’s follow that description of the playoff scenarios and work our way down, starting with the AFC.
The Patriots won 42-9 to ensure they can stay in Foxboro throughout January; mission accomplished for the New York T-A-N-K Tanks, too, as they clinched the #1 pick.
The Titans are the #2 seed after a first-half humiliation of the Jaguars. They led 31-0 at the half and then shut it down, winning 31-7. The Jaguars get the #5 seed, and the Chargers clinched the #3 seed and a home divisional playoff game with the Chiefs, as two Travis Benjamin punt return TDs helped them to a 32-30 “home” win over a Raiders team whose fans provided most of the crowd even though the silver and black were out of contention and the Chargers were playing for the division. (It’s almost like the relocation shouldn’t have happened.)
The Bengals decided to try and get their January humiliation out of the way on New Year’s Eve with a 46-14 crash in Baltimore. Apparently the starters all played, but we can surely pretend they didn’t in that scenario given that score; they had the #4 seed wrapped up and a fringe chance of moving to #3 was all they had to play for.
Now to the NFC mess. Starting at what would probably be the end thanks to flex scheduling, Aaron Rodgers outduelled the rushed-back-to-action Matthew Stafford to win 36-31 in Detroit and send the Packers to the playoffs as NFC North champions. Just like we expected, isn’t it? Was always going to happen. R-E-L-A-X.
The Falcons took care of their business, 27-6 over the Panthers; the Eagles’ late-year collapse was completed with a 40-30 loss over the Cowboys and gave the Falcons home-field advantage. The Saints thumped the Bucs 44-14 in Tampa to give them the #5 seed, and that turned the Redskins-Giants game at MetDeath into a win-and-in game. It turned out to be a classic, that ended with the Giants prevailing 33-32 despite Colt McCoy throwing for five touchdowns and 356 yards in relief of injured Kirk Cousins.
If Cousins engineers a move back to the safety of Shanahan, then: a) you’d have to question it given the beyond-disastrous 49ers O in 2017; b) the inevitable first-round rookie would apparently get the chance to sit behind McCoy. Meanwhile, the Giants have backdoored their way into the playoffs again, and you know what that means…
Full list of results
- Panthers 6-27 Falcons
- Bengals 14-46 Ravens
- Packers 36-31 Lions
- Texans 41-12 Colts
- Bills 25-18 Dolphins
- Bears 30-6 Vikings
- Jets 9-42 Patriots
- Redskins 32-33 Giants
- Cowboys 40-30 Eagles
- Browns 17-16 Steelers
- Saints 14-14 Buccaneers
- Jaguars 7-31 Titans
- Chiefs 17-12 Broncos
- Raiders 30-32 Chargers
- 49ers 25-31 Rams
- Cardinals 19-26 Seahawks
Divisional standings
AFC North: Bengals 9-7, Ravens 8-8, Browns 7-9, Steelers 7-9
AFC South: Titans 12-4, Jaguars 11-5, Texans 8-8, Colts 4-12
AFC East: Patriots 13-3, Dolphins 8-8, Bills 7-9, Jets 2-14
AFC West: Chargers 11-5, Chiefs 10-6, Raiders 7-9, Broncos 7-9
NFC North: Packers 7-9, Lions 6-9-1, Bears 6-10, Vikings 5-11
NFC South: Falcons 12-4, Saints 11-5, Buccaneers 8-8, Panthers 8-8
NFC East: Eagles 11-5, Giants 9-6-1, Redskins 8-8, Cowboys 7-9
NFC West: Seahawks 10-4-2, Rams 7-9, Cardinals 5-10-1, 49ers 2-13-1
Wild Card Weekend
Chiefs (#6) 29-12 Chargers (#3)
In front of fewer home fans than any team in NFL playoff history (and not just because of their stadium capacity), the Bolts looked underpowered. Philip Rivers threw two picks, Younghoe Koo missed a PAT, and the Chiefs cruised through the gears in the second half after taking a modest 9-6 lead into the locker room. Congratulations, Chiefs! You get to lose in Foxboro!
Giants (#6) 7-29 Seahawks (#3)
The second Saturday matchup was rarely in doubt. The Seahawks jumped to a 10-0 first-quarter lead and added another 13 points in the fourth. The Giants’ sole score was a second-quarter TD catch from Brandon Marshall; Eli Manning also threw two picks, was sacked four times, and only added 155 yards to the only 5,000-yard regular season in the NFL this year. No backdoor title for you, Giants.
Speaking of sacks, Justin Britt was injured. The Seahawks were now down multiple offensive linemen going into a matchup with the Eagles and the record-breaking Brandon Graham. Scared yet, 12th Man?
Jaguars (#5) 16-22 Bengals (#4)
The Jaguars’ first playoff game in a decade turned out to be the Bengals’ first playoff win since the fall of the Soviet Union. Andy Dalton finally turned up in January, throwing for 241 yards, three TDs, and just the one pick. Blake Bortles belatedly became the QB we know and loathe, going 19/42 for 204 yards and four picks. The Bengals would have to face another AFC South team to make it to the conference championship, as the Titans were on deck for them in the divisional round.
Saints (#5) 37-23 Packers (#4)
The Packers had the look of a team of destiny. The two teams to make the playoffs with a losing record before both won on Wild Card Weekend, and the Packers got the chance to play Drew Brees in the freezing cold. Unlike the 2011 Seahawks, though, the Packers didn’t have an elite bludgeoning running back – they barely had a running back at all, operating with a Ty Montgomery / Jamaal Williams timeshare – and unlike the 2014 Panthers, they didn’t get to face Ryan Lindley. Freeze or no freeze, Brees threw just six incompletions in a smooth performance also helped out by a trio of rushing touchdowns between Mark Ingram and long-time Packer fan nightmare fuel Adrian Peterson. The Saints led 31-10 after three quarters and the win rarely looked in doubt.
In many ways, the Saints were doing it for the NFC South, whose every team had a better record than the Pack. The result guaranteed that division would be represented in the conference championship, because the divisional round now had a divisional matchup with the Saints going to Atlanta.
Divisional Round
Chiefs (#6) 10-31 Patriots (#1)
Surprise, surprise. Tom Brady throws for 308 yards and two TDs. Alex Smith manages 5 YPA. About the only thing notable about this game was that all but seven points came in the second quarter, somehow.
Saints (#5) 6-46 Falcons (#1)
The obvious pick of the round, this had all the hallmarks of an epic.
And then the Falcons went 27-0 up in the first half with 20 points in the second quarter.
Sean Payton’s entire team talk at the half was probably “But 28-3! 28-3!!”
Unfortunately, Dan Quinn’s was probably the same. Sure enough, the Falcons closed the deal, Devonta Freeman getting 25 carries for 129 yards and a TD (plus five catches for 37 yards and one of Matt Ryan‘s four passing TDs) while Tevin Coleman got 12 totes for 41 yards and another score.
Whatever happens now, the Falcons fans can hang their hat on amazing playoff memories both at the end of their old stadium’s life and the beginning of the Mercedes-Benz Stadium era.
Bengals (#4) 36-33 Titans (#2)
You wait a generation for a Bengals playoff win and then two come along at once?
This was a stone-cold classic, too. The Titans got going quickly with two scoring drives in the first quarter, but one produced a field goal and the other was capped off by a missed PAT. The Bengals scored a touchdown in each of the first two quarters to take a 14-9 lead into the locker room.
Both teams scored touchdowns in the third quarter with failed two-point conversions (presumably the Bengals scored first and looked to make it a three-point game), before things got completely out of hand in the fourth.
When the dust settled, Marcus Mariota had 377 yards, five touchdowns, and one pick; Andy Dalton had 387 yards, four touchdowns, and no picks; and the first-quarter field goal from All-Name Hall of Famer Randy Bullock had taken the Bengals through a game with 34 fourth-quarter points.
Seahawks (#3) 7-29 Eagles (#2)
The Eagles had been on cruise control for an entire month. Now they got to play against a Seahawks team whose already weak offensive line was even weaker.
The result was a predictable lack of offense from the Seahawks in front of a raucous crowd at the Linc, Russell Wilson completing just 18 of his 32 attempts for 174 yards and a Jordan Hicks pick. Naturally, Brandon Graham got a sack as well, and LeGarrette Blount a touchdown. More surprisingly, Darren Sproles returned from injury to find paydirt twice. Only a third-quarter Eddie Lacy score kept the Seahawks from blanking out, or “doing a Niners” as it was known by now. The score was 20-0 by then anyway, and nine more fourth-quarter points sealed the deal.
Championship Sunday
Bengals (#4) 26-40 Patriots (#1)
Was there ever any doubt about this one? Andy Dalton did his best, it was a stunningly good best, he threw for over 300 yards and three TDs with only one pick and the Bengals actually took a 20-13 lead into the locker room. Unfortunately, Tom Brady put up 336 yards and both Dion Lewis and James White scored two touchdowns to give the Patriots, coming from behind again, their eighth AFC Championship of the Brady-Belichick era and their third in four years.
Eagles (#2) 24-35 Falcons (#1)
With the chance to play the revenge game to end all revenge games on the line, the Falcons might have been a tad nervous in a scoreless first quarter. If they were, the nerves didn’t last long, as the Falcons jumped out to a 14-3 halftime lead and then extended it to 21-3 in the third.
The spectre of a comeback loomed large for this team of all teams, but while the Eagles did score 21 points in the fourth quarter, this time they didn’t go unanswered. Carson Wentz was left to rue his two interceptions – perhaps he was the one overawed by the occasion, and if so that would explain why a team in catch-up mode ended up scoring all those fourth-quarter points on the ground (just like the week before, two for Darren Sproles and one for LeGarrette Blount).
The real story, though, might have been that Brandon Graham was held sackless for the first time in his ridiculous season (though he did get a backfield hit in the ground game). All hail right tackle Ryan Schraeder! All hail the Super Bowl rematch!
Super Bowl LII
So here we are again. Not much has changed, except we’re now in a much colder city and the designated home team has flipped around. Falcons-Patriots, Super Bowl LII, the revenge game to end all revenge games.
First quarter. Closely contested, Falcons hold the flimsiest of leads at 7-6.
Second quarter. Here we go again. Falcons score two TDs and a field goal, Matt Ryan looking destined to leave the building with a ring and a truck he can hand to one of his underpaid blockers. 24-13 as we hand over to a concert everyone will remember in ten years time for being Not Prince.
The Falcons don’t want to turn time back two years to when the Minnesotan hero was alive, just the one will do. They can’t undo Super Bowl LI, but they can avenge it. Again the third quarter sees the Falcons put seven on the board, again the Pats add only six in reply. 31-19 with a quarter to go. The Pats need to pull off the second-biggest comeback in Super Bowl history to give Brady a historic sixth ring.
They fight back. Of course they fight back. They find the twelve points they needed…
…were it not for the Falcons adding a TD of their own. Matt Bryant missed the PAT and made everyone watching in Georgia figure this would be a one-point Patriots win, but it wasn’t to be. That kick would not be the moment everyone remembered. That would be one of the three touchdowns Matt Ryan threw to Julio Jones, or the one he ran in himself (he also flipped one to Austin Hooper near the goal line). One of those two had to be the MVP. As the clock hits zeroes and the red confetti fills US Bank Stadium, nobody knows which. Nobody cares which.
They only care that, after maybe the most nerve-wracking two weeks Atlanta has ever experienced, the revenge mission of the century had been successfully accomplished.
Falcons 37-31 Patriots.
The Lombardi Trophy is heading to Georgia for the first time in history. And, a year too late for it to be the stadium’s grand NFL unveiling but a delay more than worth the wait, September 6, 2018 arrives and a banner is revealed in one of the few parts of Mercedes-Benz Stadium not occupied by LED screens that states that the Atlanta Falcons are 2017 NFL champions.